I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Meeeee too!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.