[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
what it’s like dating me:
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”