“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
…..pretty much.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.