Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
when nothing goes right… go left
pelicons
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters