Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.