Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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Does your wife know you’re single?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.