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Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
this is the greatest thing ever
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then