We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
That’s fair
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.