Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.