Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…