her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”