I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.