PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Miscakes
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen