I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Dietest Coke
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
kevin is now a local weatherman
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
sigh
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.