Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Hmmmmm
all bases covered
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?