I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life