*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence