Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.