I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
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What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.