no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”