[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Ain’t no way
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.