Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me driving through Toronto
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs