HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
rapatouille
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
ACED my prostate exam!
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK