Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same