I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.