I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I’m good, thanks.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
jesus, what did this guy do
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.