Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics