(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”