This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks