Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
fired
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
meanwhile over on facebook
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.