DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
You Might Also Like
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Big Sex has us all fooled
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are