The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.