I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
What a year we’ve had this week.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Good morning y’all ☀️