” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going