Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I can fix him.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table