You Might Also Like
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud