Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
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ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Seems kinda suspicious
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.