My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong