“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire