Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
#ProTip
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
🤣could you imagine
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died