<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.