I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’m not stressed
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile