Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
i guess his teacher was really pissed
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉