13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.