I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
got so much cardio in today
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.