Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
A double negative is a big no-no.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now