A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart