All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Ghost costume 😂
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?