“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
(True)
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose