Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.